The Iceberg

Have had a few bad days lately. Valentine's was really nice...Greg bought me lavender tulips and chocholates, wine and Thai food... it really was a nice evening. Salena went away for the weekend with Robert. I was really irked about it as Robert's father had just days earlier collapsed in the mall and required defibrillation by mall security. He was in ICU on a ventilator for a day, then transferred to CCU. They decided to go away anyway, and leave Robert's mother to deal with everything. I just figured it was another 'Salena-ism' as she just kept saying that Robert really needs to get away.
Well, the reason they 'Needed' to get away was because Robert decided to propose to Salena that weekend. I must admit, I have been avoiding her. I'm jealous and can not help myself. Her ring is HUGE, I'm not kidding when I say it is an Iceberg. I saw it yesterday, and she told me that he paid $10,000.00 for it! I know I should be happy for her, she has also waited a long time to find someone who wants to marry her...but Christ! It is ridiculously huge...and they can't even afford a wedding. Never mind that he is not even officially divorced. Did I mention that I am jealous? Yesterday was a horrible day. I spent hours crying in the kitchen feeling sorry for myself. I decided to come clean and tell Greg why I was so upset. He, of course, got mad, and logical like he always is(which is sometimes even more maddening.) But, I don't think he really understood where I was coming from. And, of course, I was petulant and whiny and crying and that did not make anything even remotely better. There are a few reasons why I am really upset I guess.
1. I co-signed a loan for Greg at the beginning of December before I went away on the cruise. I erroneously believed that he was planning to ask me to marry him at Christmas. He didn't.
2. When I was in my 20's, a couple of friends got married and I was a bridesmaid. That was ok.
When I was in my 30's more of my single friends got married, I flew home to be in their weddings. That was fine. Now, as I'm nearing 40, I have been asked to be in 2 more weddings! Fuck. It's always someone else's wedding, and quite frankly, I'm ready to be in my own!
3. I haven't been feeling very good about myself since around December when I found out I was infertile and would never be able to conceive d/t the early menopause. This has made me question whether Greg really does want a future with me that would be childless (unless we adopt) Because I've been feeling sorry for myself I've gained weight which makes me feel really unattractive and unhappy...which in turn again makes me wonder why Greg would want to be with me. (Christ, you'd think I'd be more sane at nearly 40.) Sometimes, I just feel like many of life's milestones have passed me by while I was busy traveling the world and wasting my youth with an asshole.

Anyway, I did end up telling all of this to Greg last night, so I at least got it off my chest. He assures me that we will get married sooner rather than later, he just doesn't see what the big rush is. And, really, when I think about it, it doesn't HAVE to be a big rush. I just don't want to have to wait 10, or 5, or even 2 years. I just want to know that it IS going to happen and that I'm not JUST a room mate. I just don't want to be 50 when it's finally my turn.