Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Thank you

I spent some time today with a woman from Sri Lanka. As we parted ways I wished her a Happy New Year. She wished me the same then remembered that in her culture before the New Year, you actually thank people for the past year, and only after New Years' do you wish them a Happy New Year.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm going to be really glad to put 2008 behind me. It hasn't been a particularly bad year, no one really close to me has become gravely ill, or died, and I am definitely thankful for that. Yes, the market has taken a plunge, but I still have my job, and a good paying one at that. I have a great husband whom I love dearly, and my relationship with my mom has improved markedly. Greg and I did not get to travel together this year, but I did have a great business trip to Hilton Head/Fort Worth and San Antonio last May. We still have the trailer that sometimes feels like a stone around my neck, but at least this year I've got hot water and a real porcelain flush toilet to drown in! I've got a few close friends and good neighbours I know I can count on. I've got a new puppy (and Dutchie, Mr. Mao and Buddy, of course!) I have a roof over my head and enough food in my cupboards that I could survive for a month if we were snowed in.
So why am I so looking forward to 2009? I think because I am very, very close to hitting an emotional rock-bottom. I can't keep my house clean, I can't be bothered to cook dinner, my bills aren't paid on time, we live pay cheque to pay cheque, I can't be bothered to blog (which used to be a huge source of entertainment and also an outlet for me.) I make do with the clothes I have because I can't stand going to stores because (gasp!) I might have to try something on and I feel overwhelmed when I do go into a store. I don't answer the phone, rarely return phone calls and turn the upstairs lights out so I don't have to go dog-walking with the neighbourhood clan.
I know I have a problem. I used to think it was depression, and I know that is part of it but for all the years I made fun of Two-four and her diagnosing everyone with anxiety...it's either rubbed off on me, or I've been denying it. I cover a lot of this anxiety up by drinking way to much. I've always enjoyed drinking, but dare I say it? It's gotten out of hand and I know I need to do something about it. It's starting to affect me really negatively and this has got to change. I'm not a stupid person, or a bad person, but I think that this is the one thing that I've really got to get a handle on in 2009. I think I started drinking more when I found out that I couldn't have children so I just threw caution to the wind, figuring that it didn't really matter how much I drank. I didn't need to be responsible to anyone except myself and Greg and my pets. I've always done well at work, so I know I can function. There's that word: Function. I am a functioning Wino. I have a functioning Wino husband too, so I always have someone to play with.
I've been thinking about how to get a grip on all the things that used to matter to me, and that I've let slip. I know I need to start with myself. For years I've been complaining about my weight. I can pay all the money I want to go to WW, but it's useless if I use up all my points in wine. I complain about my dirty house, but if I got off my ass (and Greg got off his!) we'd have a clean house. I want to go out and be social, but I'm always thinking about how I'm going to get home, because in order to be social a few drinks goes a long way. And one thing I don't do is drink and drive. So, I'd rather be safe, and stay home.
People think that by being a nurse you know how to take care of yourself. I beg to differ. I think part of my problem is genetic, partly a lack of self-confidence/esteem, but trust me, a lot of nurses chose to be nurses because they learned how to deal with problems at home when they were growing up. They were the problem-solvers, the pleasers, the high-achievers. At some point, it all becomes too much. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty (most, in fact) who remain strong, level-headed and able to deal with issues head on, but I also know enough who use alcohol, drugs or food as a coping mechanism.
Anyway, maybe this is a problem no matter what you choose as a career all I'm saying is that I think I should know better, being a nurse. At some point I chose not to be as strong, to care less about my own surroundings and to let things not bother me by choosing wine over dealing with daily living.
At this point, I am not willing to go elsewhere to seek help. My doctor is aware, and has been aware for a while, but I'm not ready to admit it anywhere else but here that I need to help myself.
And that is my New Year's resolution. What a start. I've got a lot of work ahead of me.
For what little blogging I've done: Thank you for stopping by and being part of my year. Even if I don't leave comments on your blogs, I do catch up with you throughout your year. Thank you for making me laugh, for sharing your day to day life, for letting me glimpse through the lens of your camera, but mostly for making be feel like I have a connection.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to All,
and to All a Happy, Healthy and Safe 2009!

A few repeats worth repeating!

Friday, December 19, 2008

What?! Two posts in one week?! You must think I'm crazy.
This week, I have been at work a total of 1.5 days. I went in yesterday for a few hours but ducked out as I need to go to the dentist and have a crown repaired. I have this weird genetic deformity where I still have two baby teeth in my mouth and of course, they are not doing so well (maybe because the tooth fairy negelcted to take them 35 years ago?!) Anyway, this is the third time in three years I've had to have this crown repaired. My dentist, who I really like, has told me I should really start thinking about inplants (not the boob-kind.) At $3500 a tooth, I'm a bit hesitant, and yet I don't want to be walking around toothless either. That's not a hawt look.
Last night I had invited Awesome Audrey over for dinner and I had every intention of having dinner ready for her by 6:30 pm SHARP as she is very particular about when she eats dinner. Well, my little SIL was over last night to see Laila and she volunteered to make dinner. No worries...except she had never made dinner before. Awesome A had almonds for dinner because 9pm was too late for her to eat. Uh-oh. She and her hubby think that Greg and I are way to relaxed about our timeliness around the dinner hour. They eat between 6 and 6:30 everyday, without fail. Greg and I usually ask each other if we're hungry, then decide what we are going to eat, and then usually eat around 8pm. This is normal for us, and quite frankly how we were raised. Both of our fathers came home late from work, and the family waited for them. We always ate late in my family and it never seemed strange. I realize though, that if we had kids, we definitely would have be more regimented.
Awesome A sets the dinner table before she leaves for work in the morning, I feed my cats on the dining room table so the dogs don't get into their food. We usually eat downstairs in front of the tv and a fancy night for us is eating in the living room at the coffee table. Hmm...I guess we are a little too relaxed.
Big snowstorm coming today, and I rather intelligently decided yesterdayto take a vacation day so I wouldn't have to deal with the weather that is supposed to hit full-force this afternoon during rush hour. I do have a few last minute Christmas things to do, so I'm heading out to Wally-Mart before the roads get too sloppy.
In fact, I'm not even going to worry about my bedhead. I'll plop a hat on, some yoga pants, a big coat and worry about a shower later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The newest member of our clan

Meet Laila, our newest 'baby!'
Greg was hinting about wanting another dog a few months ago and a couple of weeks ago he adopted little Laila Loo-hoo from the same Rescue Shelter from where we adopted Buddy. She was 8 weeks old when we got her, and she is now 11 weeks old. At first Buddy was a bit jealous but I think he now loves having her around. She is a tough little thing and plays with Buddy as though she were already a big girl. She won't back down for anything! She is a lot younger than Buddy was when we adopted him and I have to say the potty training is a royal pain in the ass! I know that she will eventually catch on, but I can be outside with the pups for half an hour and only once she is inside and warm does she squat to do her business. Talk about frustrating! Oh well. I've rolled up all of my area rugs and it doesn't seem like as much of a problem wiping up the hardwood. And, it does seem to happen less and less. She is a wonderful addition and the cats really seem to like her. Who'd have thought Mr. Mao would end up liking dogs!
Last weekend I took Buddy and Laila to see Santa Claus! Santa was a woman which I thought was a bit odd,but the dogs didn't seem to mind and posed beautifully, don't you think?!
I am nowhere near ready for Christmas, although the tree is up and looks very pretty. I have a few gifts together, thanks to my neighbour who has been my personal shopper this year. No kidding! She apparently LOVES to do other people's shopping! Honestly, she has really been a lifesaver. I have been feeling so blah these past few months and she caught me on a particularly bad day when I was in tears and stressed out. Next thing I know, she's got lists made up for me, a list for Greg, plans for when we are going to make our dog cookies, she had pictures developed for my Christmas Cards, and a bunch of other things. She is AMAZING! I honestly could never have asked for a better neighbour.
I know...you all want an Amazing Audrey now, don't you?
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