Wednesday, September 24, 2008

OK. So the truth is, I've been ignoring this blog. On purpose.
It has become a bit of a stressor in that I'm not as light-hearted as I would like to be. Or think I am.
When I first started this blog, I was very optimistic, I would always like to think about the "Best Thing That Happened To Me Today." If I heard a favourite song in the morning on my way to work, I would take it as "A Sign."
I think my 'new-not-so-new' job has dragged me down.
I love having my own office. I love planning my own day. I love thinking about how I am going to go about presenting something new. But I don't like my former colleagues. They suck. Some days, I love closing my door and planning trips with my unused airmiles, or checking out Kijiji, Craig's list or google maps. Some days, I fantasize about running away where no one knows me, and just aimlessly wandering wherever the wind blows. Some days, I just want to run away from my life.
Not that I have a bad life, mind you. I have a husband whom I am madly in love with, and I know it is reciprocated. I have my cats and dog. I would miss all that if I ran away. But the nurses I worked with...are getting to me. To the point where I want to leave my job.
I have enough air miles to go to Australia, or anywhere else that a plane would take me.
But it's just a dream. A plan B. Maybe even a plan F. But sometimes, I just want to escape and go where no one knows me, no one wants anything of me, I don't have to be responsible. It's a nice thought.
In the meantime, I enjoy a glass of wine, or maybe (usually) a bit more. Is it bad that wine is an escape for me? Sometimes I feel very guilty about this.
Last week, one of the new nurses I helped hire, quit. She quit because she was challenged on her ability to 'nurse.' This is a woman who is very highly intelligent...takes Math courses at a University level for 'fun.' As it turns out, she was a less than adequate Recovery Room nurse, and quite frankly, was dangerous. It made me feel like I had failed as an Educator.
I've been feeling rotten about this. As an Educator, what exactly was my role? Was I to teach her basic nursing skills? No. Was she to recognize when there was an issue that needed to be dealt with her patient immediately? Yes. Did she? No. Only when prompted.
I have been beating myself up about this because the day that I spent a few hours with her to determine whether she was capable or not, she was dismal . I was pissed off, and she knew it. I expected more from her as a former ICU nurse and she failed. But maybe there is a part of me that expected more of me and I failed. I recognize that...she didn't recognize that about herself.
I have to write this down, whether anybody reads this or not. I know I have to make a decision about where I want this job to take me. I miss the hands on patient care. Honestly, that is and has always been, my strong point as nurse. I am very shy by nature, but I recognize that people as patients, are in a vulnerable position and probably a lot more uncomfortable than I am.
I think I am at a crossroad in my life. To keep this job, I need to start working on my Masters. I am truly interested about a 3/10. I think it's not worth the extra $1 buck an hour. But, I's not even about the money. I don't think that it would make me care any more about the job that I am doing. I am doing the best that I know how, and without being a big-head, I think that I've been doing a good job.

ugh. Anyway....

On a much, much...MUCH lighter note...
I am starting to think that my mom is turning normal. Did your read that correctly...NORMAL!
We talked on the phone for 1 hour, 36 minutes, and 47 seconds tonight. A record!
Our normal conversations last 1 minute and PERHAPS 36 seconds!
She also stopped by unexpectely before I got home and had a glass of wine with Greg. And they both had a good time!
I swear she is medicated.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I won't forget.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Part of the reason I haven't blogged is that I feel like I don't have anything to say anymore. Life just goes on and there is nothing all that exciting going on. The weather is starting to get cooler and somehow I don't think we made the most of the summer.
We've only been to the trailer a handful of times, mostly because Greg has been avoiding his mom and all her issues with little SIL. Saying that, they are coming to Toronto today and staying with us for a few days. She doesn't feel comfortable staying at my other SIL's place because her husband doesn't make her feel welcome. Anyway, family drama never seems to end.
One good thing about the trailer is that we have HOT water, a FLUSH toilet and ELECTRICITY throughout! Turns out that the electrical line had been unplugged, likely by a wild animal, years ago. HMPF! Next time we go up, I might even have an oven that works!
I have been getting along really well with my mom, we've actually had REAL conversations lately, not just two minute check-ins. I think that we are both happy about this.
Health wise, I've been back to WW for the 18th time, but have only lost 5 lbs in three months. Red wine and dieting don't go well together.
I found out recently that I will be able to keep my temporary educator position for another year, which I am very pleased about. The job has it's own stresses, but overall, I like it a lot.
I'm heading in to work a little later today and doing an evening shift as one of our new hires is not working out well and I need to go in and see what the safety concerns are. This is the part of the job that I don't like. I've tried to help this nurse out before by giving her an extended orientation, but she doesn't seem to 'get it.' You know how some people are book-smart, but then don't know how to apply their knowledge to real-life? I think that is what she is like.
Anyway. As I'm getting ready this morning, the doorbell rings and I'm thinking that it is UPS delivering my replacement Blackberry (that I must have run over with my car.) At the door was a little old couple wearing hats and all dressed up. I immediately recognised them as Jehovah's Witnesses. I normally don't answer the door when they come, but again I was thinking it was UPS. Buddy usually barks when there is someone at the door, but he is pretty obedient when told to stop barking, and we don't encourage him to bark unnecessarily. Today however, a little evil streak popped up in my brain, and I let him keep barking. I opened the screen door a fraction of an inch, apologized to Church Lady that my dog wasn't friendly towards strangers and let her slide the Watch Tower towards me. They ran down the driveway, and I must admit, I had a little laugh to myself. Buddy was still barking at them through the window. I know that was mean, but door to door religion pushers bug me. to work I go!