Wednesday, September 24, 2008

OK. So the truth is, I've been ignoring this blog. On purpose.
It has become a bit of a stressor in that I'm not as light-hearted as I would like to be. Or think I am.
When I first started this blog, I was very optimistic, I would always like to think about the "Best Thing That Happened To Me Today." If I heard a favourite song in the morning on my way to work, I would take it as "A Sign."
I think my 'new-not-so-new' job has dragged me down.
I love having my own office. I love planning my own day. I love thinking about how I am going to go about presenting something new. But I don't like my former colleagues. They suck. Some days, I love closing my door and planning trips with my unused airmiles, or checking out Kijiji, Craig's list or google maps. Some days, I fantasize about running away where no one knows me, and just aimlessly wandering wherever the wind blows. Some days, I just want to run away from my life.
Not that I have a bad life, mind you. I have a husband whom I am madly in love with, and I know it is reciprocated. I have my cats and dog. I would miss all that if I ran away. But the nurses I worked with...are getting to me. To the point where I want to leave my job.
I have enough air miles to go to Australia, or anywhere else that a plane would take me.
But it's just a dream. A plan B. Maybe even a plan F. But sometimes, I just want to escape and go where no one knows me, no one wants anything of me, I don't have to be responsible. It's a nice thought.
In the meantime, I enjoy a glass of wine, or maybe (usually) a bit more. Is it bad that wine is an escape for me? Sometimes I feel very guilty about this.
Last week, one of the new nurses I helped hire, quit. She quit because she was challenged on her ability to 'nurse.' This is a woman who is very highly intelligent...takes Math courses at a University level for 'fun.' As it turns out, she was a less than adequate Recovery Room nurse, and quite frankly, was dangerous. It made me feel like I had failed as an Educator.
I've been feeling rotten about this. As an Educator, what exactly was my role? Was I to teach her basic nursing skills? No. Was she to recognize when there was an issue that needed to be dealt with her patient immediately? Yes. Did she? No. Only when prompted.
I have been beating myself up about this because the day that I spent a few hours with her to determine whether she was capable or not, she was dismal . I was pissed off, and she knew it. I expected more from her as a former ICU nurse and she failed. But maybe there is a part of me that expected more of me and I failed. I recognize that...she didn't recognize that about herself.
I have to write this down, whether anybody reads this or not. I know I have to make a decision about where I want this job to take me. I miss the hands on patient care. Honestly, that is and has always been, my strong point as nurse. I am very shy by nature, but I recognize that people as patients, are in a vulnerable position and probably a lot more uncomfortable than I am.
I think I am at a crossroad in my life. To keep this job, I need to start working on my Masters. I am truly interested about a 3/10. I think it's not worth the extra $1 buck an hour. But, I's not even about the money. I don't think that it would make me care any more about the job that I am doing. I am doing the best that I know how, and without being a big-head, I think that I've been doing a good job.

ugh. Anyway....

On a much, much...MUCH lighter note...
I am starting to think that my mom is turning normal. Did your read that correctly...NORMAL!
We talked on the phone for 1 hour, 36 minutes, and 47 seconds tonight. A record!
Our normal conversations last 1 minute and PERHAPS 36 seconds!
She also stopped by unexpectely before I got home and had a glass of wine with Greg. And they both had a good time!
I swear she is medicated.


kenju said...

Michele sent me, Ramona, and I read your story of woe at work. If you are truly unhappy in your current job, go back to patient care. That's what we need the most - nurses who are capable and genuinely interested in their patients.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I hated my job even though I was good at it. I brought it home with me every night and it effected (affected??) my son and husband. I didn't drink but I yelled at my family and was basically a bitch. My husband begged me to quit but I hated the thought of changing jobs. I don't do well with change. I finally said enough is enough and left the firm I was with and started a new different job at a larger firm but it was after my husband unexpectedly died. I will always regret not quitting sooner. I'm a total different person now. Anyhow, I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to do what is right for YOU. If you're unhappy at your job, quit. Nurses are in high demand. Good nurses are in even higher demand. Don't be so hard on yourself kiddo. Life is way too short for all the drama.


Pez said...

Go back to your old job so we can talk on the phone again! I miss you!

Last Girl On Earth - Deni said...

Hey Ramona, it's been WAY to long since I've visited you. Funny, I just wrote a blog about how I used to blog! I totally understand where you are coming from. If I'm not planning my next trip, I go a little kooky. Even if I've just gotten home from a trip. And I'm TOTALLY with you on the wine. It's not an escape. It just helps keep things in you know what I mean. Anyhow. Hang in there and stop by and catch up when you get a chance!

Donna said...

Dear Ramona, you sound so much like me in some ways...if you are this unhappy with your work then you should make a change. I am the pot here calling the kettle black, but it is the best advice I have. Try not to blame yourself for others' mistakes, we all have to take responsibility for our actions, and for someone who literally holds someone else's life in their hands, this could not be more true.

atpanda said...

Oh Ramona... It sounds like you're having a rough go at it. Why can't you go back to just regular nursing? Would you want to?
SO glad to hear about your mom. I know that you've had a tough time with that relationship.
I'm sorry I've been so absent...

Begered said...

Hi Ramona! It's been a while since I have stopped to visit. I myself have been gone for a long time. I totally understand and share your feelings of wanting to run away from life. I am sad to hear about your being unhappy at work. I hope you find some way to make your work situation better...maybe a change is needed??