Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dysfunction Junction

Warning. Long Rant.
I am seething, spitting mad at my mom. She was in fine form last night at my brother's birthday dinner. Early in the morning yesterday I called to wish him a happy birthday and then invited them downtown to my place for a barbecue. (My brother is 37, unemployed and still lives with my mom. But that dysfunctional story will be saved for another time.) My mom said to me that would be a nice idea, that she would bring a cake. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
What a friggin' nightmare. I should have known something was up when her initial conversation revolved about how wonderful all of her friends daughters are. I, apparently, am just not so wonderful to her. I'm sure she doesn't brag about me to her friends, not that I would want her to. She tells me that one of her friends daughters is getting married in November in Mexico. She is 30, but the other sister is over 30 and she probably is too old to get married. I said, well, I'm 40 and I'm getting married, other people get married when they are in the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's...I don't think that there is a cut-off age! My mom then took that opportunity to tell me that I was getting married because I was desperate. Gee, thanks Mom. I ignored the comment because I didn't want to start a fight.

We headed up to the roof for our barbecue. Greg had been out helping his best friend's mother with some electrical stuff. I made the mistake of saying to my mom "Darren and his mom are coming to the wedding." This is where the switch flipped in my mom. She suddenly raises her voice and says 'Just how many people are coming to zis vedding? Its sounds like its goink to cost $10,000! Do you realize zat zere is novone from our side who iz goink to be zere?" I said that there would be about 30 people, just like I said right from the beginning. In our family there are only the 3 of us: my mom, my brother and I. Our extended family is all in Germany, and quite frankly, none of them would even want to come. But. And here is where the fight REALLY started. She wants me to invite her cousin and her husband who my mom is close to. Two years ago this couple was in Toronto for a few days visiting and I invited them to my place for dinner. (I will tell the whole story another time, but suffice to say that it was a very uncomfortable day, and that evening just got worse.) The evening ended with my 'uncle' getting up from the dinner table after he had just wished me luck with that asshole, meaning Greg. I was stunned, and thought he was joking. He wasn't. Greg was clueless, and went to shake his hand goodbye. My 'uncle' refused to shake his hand, called him an asshole and looked like he was going to punch Greg in the face. I was mortified. Greg's cousin, who is Spanish, and lives in Spain, was also at out place that night. Greg, apparently was an asshole because a) his cousin was there and it should have just been MY family (nevermind that these 'relatives' were traveling with another couple from Germany and they were also at this dinner party) b) Greg was talking too loud.
So, after being insulted, and after I later ended up dragging my mom and brother to counselling because we could not have a civil conversation to each other because my mom sided with her cousins, last night my mom was upset because we did not invite them to our wedding! What is she, stunned? Delusional? Or just plain stupid? We said that under no circumstances were they going to come to our wedding. They insulted us in our home, and never even attempted to apologize for their behaviour.
Then my mom said that "all of her friends were pissed off that we were getting married in Las Vegas, because they can't come." I had asked my mom right from the start, did she have any friends who would be interested in coming? What about the neighbours? (Our whole reason for getting married in LV was that we wouldn't have one of those wedding where you are inviting the neighbours kids, and all the parents friends who you've never met before) But, if my mom had anyone who wanted to come, by all means, that would be nice. So, now her friends are pissed off and think its a terrible idea that we are getting married in LV. Who the fuck cares what my mom's friends think?! My mom is upset because she thinks that she is going to feel all alone at the wedding, and not important enough. It's always about her. She thinks that all 30 people there are from Greg's side. And even though I told her that half the guests are MY friends and she's met every single one of them, that's not good enough. "It's always about your friends, isn't it?" Well, hmm, let me see...my friends don't judge me, they make me feel good about myself, i don't fight with them, and I've known all of these friends for over 15 years, some of them, over 30 years. Because of the sheer minitude of our family, my friends have always been like my extended family. And lets face it, sometimes, we are closer to our friends than we are to our family.
My mom had graciously offered to pay for our reception. I had told her that it would be about $4000 usd. Last night, during this heated discussion she says to Greg "Don't worry, I'm writing a check to Ramona to cover the whole wedding. You'll need more money if you're having so many people." (The number of guests has never changed from the beginning) Then she says you'll need the money to pay for everything else. Hello?! Greg's parents are paying for our flight and accommodation. We told her this and her response "Humpff...ya right." What a bitch! What the hell did she think she was trying to pull? Now she was insulting Greg's family!

Do you want me to go on? I think I have to because I'm shaking I'm so mad, and I need to get this poison out of me.

Her other arguments were that she felt like she was Just a Guest. I have asked my mom to walk me down the aisle and she refused. She has chosen to be Just a Guest.
She said that she was the last person to find out that we were engaged. Not true. 30 seconds after Greg proposed I tried to call her. She wasn't home, had gone up to the cottage. I tried calling her up there, no answer. I had to go to work and can't call long-distance from there. I got home from work at midnight and felt it would be too late to call. The next morning, I set my alarm and called at 730 so that I wouldn't miss her again. But she was the last person to find out. Nevermind, that Greg, months earlier, had asked for her blessing in us getting married before he bought my engagement ring. So, she WAS the first to know. But she doesn't see it that way.
Oh let's see...what else did she come up with? Oh. That she had planned a birthday party for my brother at her place (in the suburbs) but we can't be bothered to go there to see her. Hello?! I had called that morning to invite them, she said yes that sounds nice. At no point did she ever say that she had planned dinner. If she was upset about, why not say so in the morning?
She also brought up the fact that she couldn't understand why we weren't close. That I never want to spend any time with her. First of all, last Friday I spent the whole day with her. We had lunch, went shopping, sat in the backyard and had a few drinks. It was a nice day. Secondly, no we are not particularly close, but generally we get along. I call her everyday, and probably see her once every two weeks. What does she want? For me to come by for dinner every night , maybe move in with her and my brother? Read this entry. My whole life has been like this. My mom only sees things her way, does not want to hear my opinion. When I do confide in her, she never says the right things. What she says usually makes me feel worse and sorry that I ever told her in the first place.
Oh ya, last night she says "I vood never haf spoken to my muzah like you do. If my muzah said somesing, I did it." Oh, so because you weren't allowed to have an opinion with your mother, I'm not either? I'm 40, not 4. Nevermind that I clearly remember my mom telling me that she was never close to her mother. Hmmm...maybe you could have remedied that with your own daughter instead of repeating history.
She ended the night last night by saying that she really truly wished that we would have children, lots of them. Not because she wants to be a grandmother, but so that we would know what its like to have ungrateful, rude children. Can you believe her? Saying this when she knows that I am infertile? What a bitch!!! I bit my tongue, but what I wanted to say was that maybe its a good idea that I can't have children so I don't fuck up relationships with my kids like the way she's managed to fuck up hers.
I am so mad!
I woke up at 7 this morning, shaking, still furious with her. But you know what? There is absolutely no point in trying to talk to her about this. She thinks that she is right, that I am wrong. And what I think doesn't matter, because I always disagree with her anyway. And she has the most hard-headed daughter in the world. At one point I got up from the table and walked away because I was getting so close to exploding. She had the nerve to say to Greg "Good Luck with her. She's very hard-headed and difficult." Greg, ever as levelheaded as he always is said to her 'actually, I think Ramona is very easy to get along with. If we have problems we talk about them before it turns in to a fight. We try to hear what we each have to say.'
I Love Him.
And right now, I wish that we were eloping.

Happy 37th Birthday, Derek! What a party.

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