The last couple of times I've had planned visits with my mom they have actually been quite nice. (I hope I haven't jinxed myself now.)

I never wrote about a HUGE fight we had back in March where my mom called me a F@*&ing A$$hole and stormed out of the house after Greg called her on it. The whole fight was about me standing up for myself and my mom's opinion that you never talk back to your elders, you give them respect no matter what. When I disagreed with her she called me names to gain my respect.
The timing was particularly bad because she was going on a 5 week cruise as a birthday gift to herself for her 70th. I was pissed off, and did not acknowledge her birthday. No card, no gift, no party. And, I know that I hurt her but at the time, but I was hurt too. We have never again talked about this fight that we had, but it's been a slow recovery. There is also no point in trying to talk about it, because we'd end up just rehashing it all over again.
So, in the past few months I don't call as much as I used to which was every day, but I do call about every third day and we have our 2 minute phone call. She never calls me, I'm not even sure she knows my number by heart. I'd go by maybe once every two weeks for an hour visit, that's all I could trust we could handle before one of us would get upset.
I have a feeling that my relationship with my mom is one of the reasons my emotional status took a nose-dive. I've always had a sense that my mom can't be happy for me. She's extremely critical of my life and I think that there is also a good amount of jealousy thrown in. In all honesty, I don't think that she was truly happy for me when Greg came into my life, and when we decided to get married. She looks positively grim in our wedding photos. He has always been warm towards her, makes her feel special, makes her laugh. He is my brother's best friend. Never mind, that I think he is a really great husband. On more than one occasion when we've been talking on the phone, (when she even bothers to ask,) she'll say 'and how is your husband?' I'll say 'do you mean Greg?' She'll say 'all these names are so confusing for me' Uh, ya. There are 4 people in our family, including Greg. That's it, no extended family on our side.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent that I didn't really mean to. But that's some of the background story about what my mom is like.

After our big fight, I managed to keep my distance for the longest time. She was away for 5 weeks, then Greg and I went to Europe. Like I said, I managed a few short visits, without Greg at, her house.
Since Buddy's arrival, he has taken on the role of icebreaker. One of the nicest qualities about my mom is her love for animals, a good trait that her children inherited. I'm not sure if it's pet therapy, but now when I go to visit my mom there is a distraction and the conversation is not as stilted. The visits have gotten longer and she seems genuinely happier, which of course, I find more tolerable.
I know that I will never have a fabulous mother-daughter relationship with her, but at the same time it is important that I have some sort of relationship with her, and that is not stressful. Peaceful would be good. Greg (my very own Dr. Phil) says that she can't change who she is, so I should just accept her as she is, and it'll bother me less. Is this the same thing as "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?" You love the dog, hate the behaviour, but they have that behaviour so ingrained you just give up, but keep loving the dog. (Ooops...did I just compare my mom to a dog?! I didn't mean for it to sound like that.)
Anyway, things are slowly improving, we are both making an effort at getting along.
And Buddy is a young dog learning new tricks. Apparently, he as already won his Oma over, so he's ahead of me.

There have been a few unfortunate, although not unforeseeable events this week. The first, is that my friends C and S are separating. They were married a few months before Greg and I and we both stood up for them at their wedding. Here is the speech I made. The day of their wedding, I remember Greg and I saying to each other "I wonder how long this will last." They actually managed to argue as wedding photos were being taken. He has been on disability for the past 4 years and, although he is no longer injured, is still sucking it up for all its' worth. She has been working overtime to support them both, and crazily enough they bought a house 9 months ago that is now in worse condition than when they moved in. They both have their issues, but he's a bigger nut than she is. Anyway, she finally kicked him to the curb. About time. He apparently did not see this coming. Uh-huh.

This morning Greg received a call from his mom, that his little sister was arrested for shop-lifting at the liquor store. Christ it's been one thing after another with her, and it's really starting to get out of hand. First of all, she should have been at school. Second of all, why on earth would she think that it is ok to shop lift. Did she not think that two young girls in a liquor store would look suspicious to begin with? Greg's mom is of course blaming this on her depression/anxiety which totally pisses me off. Even if she were to have these afflictions, she should know the simple difference between right and wrong. I am so disappointed in her. She has certainly been heading down the wrong path this year. Lucky for her she is 17 so formal charges were not laid. In my head I think what I would do if she were my daughter. But, then I think that if I had a daughter I would have tried my hardest to have prevented this crap from getting to the place where it is. I would not have allowed her to have a bf at age 14. Or, at least not to the point where they were sleeping in the same bedroom, and sometimes even the same bed. I would not have allowed her to stay home from school because she had period cramps. Deal with it baby, we all do. Anyway, I better not say to much because I'm getting all riled up again, and after all, she's not my daughter. But I do care about her, and with all my heart, wish that she would smarten up. It'll be hard though, because I don't think that Greg's mom is handling this the right way. She's ready to kick her out of the house and keeps threatening to send her to Foster Care (like that's going happen, right?) Apparently she's threatened all of her kids with this over the years. Makes me think that maybe I didn't have it so bad with my German Mother (although, god knows she's had her psychotic episodes over the years.)

Last night, we had a couple over for dinner. Greg calls them The Sexuals. Clearly, they Really love each other. They arrived at 6pm, and didn't leave until 12:30am. Holy crap! At 10:00 I started figuring that they would leave soon, it being a school n ight and all. But they didn't. At 11:00 she started wheezing because she is allergic to the cats. Still, they did not leave. At 12:00 I started yawning, and they put on their coats. At 12:30 Greg escorted them out.
I will take this as a compliment that we have a comfortable home.
Good Night!

For some reason, I am unable to post pictures, and I have struggled with this for the past couple of days. It's very frustrating.

The new year's resolutions are going ok-ish. I talked to my mom yesterday and she was feeling sorry for herself that we didn't see her this weekend. She had had a few glasses of wine, and it was not a good conversation. She had been in our neighbourhood, visiting my dad's site at the cemetary (5 minutes from us) and she didn't feel comfortable just dropping by. So, she decided to turn on her passive-aggressive switch saying things like "I wouldn't dream of coming by unannounced" and "I wouldn't want to disturb you"and "How are your relatives?" (meaning Greg's family) and "I have to be so careful with what I say, you're so sensitive." Give me a break. She's upset because she thinks I said something to my brother to upet him because he's kept to himself this past week. On January 31st I had called their house to welcome my mom home from her trip. On my mind was also breaking the news that her friend had died. Imagine my shock when I called to speak to her, and my brother tells me that she missed her flight becasue she is in Boston in a hospital. I freaked out, I felt instantly sick to my stomache and then my brother laughs and says he is just kidding. WTF?! When I told him that I didn't think it was funny, he hung up on me. I called him back, and he tells me that I just don't get his sense of humour. Oh ya, that's funny. Anyway, clearly he felt bad about it because he didn't come over for NY eve, and we haven't heard much from him since.

I don't dare tell my mom what this is about and quite frankly, I had forgotten all about it. But it's my fault that I upset him, and now he's moody, and she had a bad weekend. ARGH!!!

And, for the record, she can stop by any time she likes. Although, it would be great if she had a cell phone.

Anyway.

We did have a very productive weekend. We've been working on our office, repainting the walls. And, don't laugh, I have ordered wallpaper to put on one wall. Ya, ya, I know all about the bitching I did about the paper that was already hanging when we moved in. But THIS paper is going to look very modern, very contemporary. Trust me. It's on special order, so it'll be another few weeks before we get it up. But I'm pretty excited about it. And, although Greg is dragging his heels, he has also agreed that the room is mostly mine, so I can do what I like with it. He's happy that he's got his Jam Room downstairs with his drum kit and guitars and seventeen thousand amplifiers and I've given him free rein to do whatever he likes with it as long as he installs a door.

Hey, whaddaya know. I was finally able to upload a picture. This was taken on the weekend in our backyard. Notice the green grass and the buds on the lilac bush? It appears that here in Central Canada we have bypassed Winter and headed right into Spring. I don't particularly mind, but I can't help but think that this is incredibly abnormal. And, from the sounds of it, things have been abnormal everywhere.

The good and the bad.

I am in L-O-V-E with my new computer! It is so sleek, so quick, so quiet, so new! Who knew that a little box could make me so happy? It came with a printer/scanner/photocopier so it'll take some time to figure that out, but once I do...watch out! I have BOXES of photos that I want to scan and save somewhere in cyberland. That should keep me busy for a while, eh?
Our weekend project includes putting the second coat of Silver Blue paint on the walls of the office/my craft room. Our other project is to set up one of the rooms in the basement, it'll be our tv room. We have a brown leather sectional couch being delivered on Thursday. We decided on leather because that way when Greg has his grungy boys over, I don't have to get upset if something gets spilled on it, it'll just wipe clean. The back cushions can also be removed to allow for overnight guests to sleep comfortably. This will make Veronica happy as she came over the other day to offer us twin bed frames for our guest bedroom. When I told her that we didn't have a guest room she seemed miffed and wanted to know where our guests would sleep...perhaps in the basement, and we could set up some beds there? Uh...no thanks!
Mitey Mite was wondering if I'd painted the kitchen red. I have green floors and green counters, so red walls would make it look an awful lot like Christmas all year round. So, I settled for a neutral colour with red accessories. However, we did paint one wall in the living room a deep garnet red, which looks fabulous.
This week, there has also been some family junk going on. My brother got the shit kicked out of him last weekend, and was pushed down some stairs. He is okay, but surely is feeling ashamed of himself. He got drunk at a strip joint and wouldn't leave the ladies alone. So, the bouncers took care of him. As much as I feel bad for him, I also think that it was just a matter of time that something like this would happen. He is a very annoying drunk, and his drinking has gotten out of control again. Knowing him, he will now be sober for the next six months until he goes on another bender.
Last night, Greg's 16 year old sister didn't come home when she said she would. She stayed out all night without even giving her mother a phone call to let her know she was all right. I got home from nightshift and Greg had been up all night worried and waiting for her to show up. Around noon, Two-Four tracked her down and she was in bed with a local drug dealer. WTF?! Is this what happens to sweet little girls? Since mid-summer she has turned into such a rebel, and all she thinks about is boys. Chronic Depression...my ass. She has missed so much school this year, I doubt that she's going to pass. I wish Two-Four would place a stronger importance on school, but she doesn't. Greg has told me more than a few times, that she doesn't want her kids to be smarter than her. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I was relieved to hear that she was safe.
And can only hope that she will quickly pass through this stage.

Green Garbage Bags

I have spent the last three weeks packing up the last four years of our life. I bought this condo just before meeting Greg, so really, it has always felt like 'our' place. He was here to help me unpack boxes, hang pictures, paint, install lighting and all sorts of handy-man odd jobs. When he officially moved in a year after we had met, he brought over a small suitcase with a broken zipper, 2 Green Garbage Bags filled to the brim, a wine rack and an assortment of music gear.

Clearly, most of the stuff I'm packing is 'mine' although really, it's 'ours.' At first, I was more than happy to pack everything up because I knew that it would be done properly. The past few days though, I've been getting a little annoyed because it really feels like I've done everything. You could even say that there's some resentment building.

So, last night (ok, it was 5 minutes after Greg got home from work) I thought I'd get it off my chest. Apparently, my timing was not the greatest. Point taken. But I nearly Lost My Nut when Greg said "I don't know why you're getting all freaked out about this. Everything looks really organized and what's not packed on the last day, we'll just throw into Green Garbage Bags."

Uh-huh. Let me tell you from whom he learned this spectacular method of packing.

Six months before Greg and I met, Two-Four decided to move from Toronto to Fergus. She got a crew of her kids together and managed to borrow a truck. Saturday morning everyone arrives...and there is not one single thing packed. She did however, have a large supply of Green Garbage Bags and instructed everyone to "just throw the shit into a bag, I'll organize it at the other end." I wasn't in the picture yet, but I can only imagine from the stories I've heard how happy everyone was. So, all of her junk, including Real Junk, ended up moving with her in Green Garbage Bags. The kids just shoved stuff in bags...pictures, bathroom supplies, food, you name it all thrown together in one bag to be organized whenever Two-Four got around to it.

Now, this story has been told to me a few times because in all of this mess, when it came time to move the bed, Louise's BF lifted the mattress and Lo and Behold did he find a treasure chest! A Personal Adult Toy and the movies to go with it! Not the kind of thing you'd want your kids, or their boyfriends to find, I'm sure! Jeff came out of her bedroom with the thing Buzzing in one hand and Seymore's Bottom Feeders video in the other and nonchalantely asked if 'this was something she wanted packed seperately!' LOL! She was embarassed, but she actually tried to say that they didn't belong to her! Ya. Right.

Anyway, I am not a Green Garbage Bag kind of packer and Greg will no longer be a Green Garbage Bag packer. I don't want to move from one place to another like a Hobo. I want to know exactly what is in each box, and where that box should be placed in the new house.

And, at the end of the day, I'll think I'll be relieved to know precisely where my Personal Items are. I'd hate for them to get into the wrong hands. (wink!)

Capital Letters. For EMPHASIS. Or just Because.

For about the past 10 days, I've been coming to this site daily to see the new, exciting, funny, interesting topics Kross-Eyed Kitty is talking about. And, each and every day, especially the past 4 days, I am disappointed to see that there is nothing New.
What is going on with the Kross-Eyed One these days???
Hmpph. Who knows?
The weather is changing, it's getting Cold. The mornings are dark, the evenings are dark. Is it SAD?
Maybe.
The trailer STILL hasn't been properly shut down for the year. Greg and I were battling seasonal virus Something-or-Others last weekend. I managed to make Thanksgiving Dinner for 10 people, Greg slept through it. Hopefully, it won't Snow this weekend, like it did today. There is a lot of outdoor work that needs to be done.
My MIL, Two-Four, is driving me CRAZY! Normally, I can handle her Wackiness, but right now, I am ready to pull out my hair in frustration. She has diagnosed her 16 yr old with Chronic Depression. She broke up with her bf, is heart-broken, and,apparently,is now Chronically Depressed. Two-Four kept her home from school for 10 days, then took her daughter to any doctor who was willing to Drug the poor girl up, and has arranged for a Psychiatrist. I am speechless.
Anybody else out there who's mother had them practically committed to an Insane Asylum at age 16 for breaking up with a boyfriend? Let me just also add, that this is the Same Mother who called the Cops during an argument with Said Daughter two weeks ago and threatened to send her to Foster Care. Let me also add, that this is the Same Mother who allowed (bullied) a doctor to put the Same Daughter (aged 8 years old) to be put on anti-anxiety meds. Jeezuz Kee-rist! Who the F**K is the one who needs to be committed?
I said too much, and now Two-Four is pissed at me. Our first rift. Sigh. I'm heart-broken...not. She's Nuts. Certifiably.
I gave my Brother Shit on Monday for being a drunken arsehole. Since he's broken up with his Pot-head GF, he's come up to the trailer every weekend and gotten Shit-faced Drunk. He's not a good drunk...he's a Turner. It's like he's missing the Enzyme that metabolizes alcohol. I know that I am an Enabler of sorts, who allows him to come and spend weekends with us. But I do feel sorry for him because he doesn't have any friends, and considers Greg his Best Friend. I love my Brother, I am close to him, he is the bridge between my Mom and I, but I sure as hell am not his babysitter, and don't want to be the one apologizing for His behaviour all the time.
We're packing up. Or, rather, I'M packing up. It's amazing how much stuff you can pack into a 1 bedroom apartment, especially when there are 30 boxes plus furniture odd and ends in MIL 2's garage. How ever did it all fit Before?
We went to see the House again last night, this time bringing my Mom along to see the place. Well, She LOVED it! I'm not surprised that She loved it. Nor, am I surprised, that SHE LOVED,ABSOLUTELY LOVED!!! the Hideous Wallpaper in the living room and hallway. When I said that it would be the First thing to go, She snidly said to our real estate agent (who is Greg's Buddy) that she "hoped that Ramona wouldn't ruin this beautiful house with her awful decorating ideas."
Just have to shake my head at that one. And take a deep breath. !!!SERENITY NOW!!!
I haven't been feeling Very Pretty lately...I'd let my legs get Hairy, my toenails were Chipped, my fingernails looked like a Farm Hand's, and the yoo-hoo area was looking like a Cave Woman's. (Okay, TMI, I know...)
But let me tell ya....it's not a good idea to try to do your own Bikini Wax. I mean, what the HELL was I thinking?!?!
PLEASE, take it from Me. We were not MEANT to do our own Bikini wWaxes. It's a Disaster. God, I hope I don't have to go for an Emergency Pap Smear.
(Never mind that when I decided to put nail polish on my Farm Hand Fingers, it ended up being the same shade as Canned Tuna Fish. It was the only shade I had.) Whatever happened to the Girly-Girl I used to be??????
OK. Hockey's on, and I have a Baby Shower to plan. The SAME Baby Shower I decided to have the Weekend before we move.
Things are Looking Up.
Aren't Ya glad Ya stopped by?!

Trashed Trailer

I have not been the best blogger lately. For some reason, sitting down and writing about all the things that have been upsetting me lately, has just seemed too daunting.
For the past two weekends, Greg's sister, her fiance, and their kids (and kid's friends) have come up to spend the weekend at the campsite. I really like Greg's sister, but I think that she is thoughtless, she let's her kids run wild, she stays in my trailer and does not clean up after herself, or her kids, she lets me do all the cooking and cleaning while she sits and does jigsaw puzzles and puts her cigarette butts out on my patio. Her kids will walk right past me in the morning without even a hello, and when I say good morning to them, they don't even acknowledge me. The kids will lie backwards on the couch with their feet up against the window, and don't lift a finger to clean up after themselves. I was stupid enough to do their lunch dishes because I couldn't look at them anymore. (They are 13) She provides food, but that's it. I have spent the past two weekends pissed off. This past weekend, I did not know that they were coming up, it was kind of thrown at me at the last minute. It has taken me DAYS to calm down, and decide how I was going to approach Greg about it. Basically, I told him that if they were going to continue to come up, a) I needed to know about it in advance, b) that his sister was to clean up after herself and her kids on an ongoing basis, and not just at the end of the weekend, c) that they were to respect our belongings, d) that I am not going to entertain, or babysit her kids. I absolutely LOVE going to the trailer, but I have had some serious thoughts lately about setting it on fire. His mom is up there every weekend, she has her own place. As it is, she never leaves us alone. She is ALWAYS at our site. I love his mom, but honestly! Give me a break! Let's just say, that Greg and I never have a romantic moment on weekends. At dinner time, his grandparents always seem to know when the supper bell is ringing. I don't want to sound like a bitch, and I realize that when you marry someone, you marry their family, but how can I be diplomatic about this and keep my sanity???? Greg seems to be understanding about how I feel, but I really think that HE needs to say something to them. Am I wrong?
Anyway, I thought I had calmed down about this, but my blood has started boiling again.
I will take any, and all, suggestions. 

Mothers and daughters...sigh.

I've managed to not allow myself to totally fall to pieces over the idiotic way my mom has behaved this week. I really and truly think that she is having some kind of mental breakdown or something. I mean, who acts like that when their daughter is getting married?
I had a nice, long talk with Pez tonight. Thank god for the people in my life who provide sanity. Actually, for the first time maybe I've even chosen to react to my mom's bizarre self-centred behaviour in a different way.
On Wednesday morning I woke up very early and got out of bed. I was pissed. I pounded away at my blog (see previous entry.) Greg got out of bed. For a brief 30 seconds I shed a few tears. Greg's voice of reason: "What are you crying about? You didn't do anything wrong. You are planning a wedding and your mom is not happy with your decisions. It's her problem. Not yours. She is just trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into believing that you are doing the wrong thing. I'm happy with the plans, you're happy with the plans. It's our wedding, not hers. Let her deal with her problems. Or let her not deal with her problems like she's done her whole life. Whatever."
These were not his exact words, but it was the gist of what he was saying to me. And, he is right.
I am marrying my very own Doctor Phil.
So, I finished my blog, and then I went for a power walk. I marched along the downtown streets with a vengence, once in a while talking to myself. (I blended...surely I looked like every other nutbar pounding down the streets of TO!) I crossed lights, I turned corners and suddenly found myself in front of the Royal Ontario Museum. I was red-faced and sweaty, but I thought what the hell....I'm going in. The truth was, I was afraid to go home because I didn't want to dwell in my Blockhead German-mother problems.
Gotta tell ya. It was the best thing I could have done. I was lost for two hours just roaming, reading little plaques, talking to museum volunteers, looking at mummies, antique furniture, stuffed dead animals (ewwww...) bugs, butterflies and dinosaurs. Surprisingly, in my no make-up, yesterday's t-shirt, old yoga pants and pissed-off kind of state, I ended up having a really nice day.
In the end, I've come to a conclusion. I can not change the way my mom is. She will not change the way she is, because she doesn't see that there is anything wrong with her thought processes. She is happiest when she is not challenged, and even happier when she is complimented on her beauty. She is too proud to ever admit that she might be wrong. She is not interested in what anybody else has to say if it differs from her opinion. She is right, everybody else is wrong.
I love her because she is my mother. But I don't respect her enough to want her as a friend.
She is living her life, and I'm living mine.
And if I'm hard-headed and difficult in her eyes because I'm not like her, and don't think like her, so be it.

I'm happy to be me.